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Adjusting to Life After the Death of a Spouse

Have you ever gotten a cut where there’s already a scar? Over time, the pain subsides and the wound doesn’t look as bad. But the mark is still there, and it will always be there.

Well, that’s how it goes when your spouse has died.

You’re never going to have your old, scar-free life again. Your scar doesn’t have to stop you from living your life. It doesn’t have to keep you from being happy. But it is a permanent scar.

That’s what I told Charlotte, who called me concerned that she was still suffering two years after the death of her husband of 55 years. “Sometimes I have bouts of breaking down and crying,” she said. “I have my strong church ties, a supportive family, a part-time job, and fun with my senior center. But I still have this giant VOID.”

They say that time heals all wounds, but that’s not exactly true.

You have to put in the effort to heal, and Charlotte was doing a good job of that by working and being involved with her family and community. Keeping active is important both medically and mentally. But it can still take a few years after your loss to start to feel comfortable and happy in your new life. Especially if you liked your spouse!

It’s normal, and it’s not going to go away.

When you’re used to having somebody and then they are gone, it feels like the “void” Charlotte was experiencing. In time, you do get on with the new chapters of your life. But you’ll always be a little scarred.

☎️ Need to get a handle on grief?

Let’s work together to figure out a plan. Call me at 1-800-DRLAURA or click here to make an appointment to speak with me on air. 

Listen to today’s Call of the Day episode that relates to this post:

🫂 Grieving a Loss

I profoundly understand the topic of grief. I hope the personal experiences and the advice I share in this Deep Dive episode provides comfort in difficult times.

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You Brought Light in My Darkest Times

There’s no way around it — witnessing death takes a toll on anyone. When it came to vividly reliving painful memories, Schlonda used a technique I’ve shared on air, and it might help you. She wrote:

My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2016. We knew our time was limited, so I made sure to make every moment count. When her behavior began frustrating my sisters and me, you helped me understand that her actions stemmed from her disease.

One day, she had a seizure.

The EMTs couldn’t stabilize her in the ambulance, so she seized the entire ride to the hospital while I held her hand. The sounds and noises she made that night haunted me.

Then, I heard YOUR voice in my head telling me, “Think about the sound your mom made. Okay? Now, think of something pleasant-sounding. What would that be?”

For me, it was birds chirping. I practiced this a few times a day for several days, and it worked! By the end of the week, the sounds of my mom’s distress no longer played in my head.

When my mom finally reached the end, I made sure to hold her hand and let her know she was loved. Thank you for 50 years of “Teaching, Preaching, and Nagging.”

💡 Thought of the Day 

"Now, go do the right thing!"

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